I went to my oncology appointment a few days ago. Due to work things, I arrived at work in a not-so-great mood. Hindsight, I was utterly stressed about my appointment. I had a good idea of what they were going to say. My margins were clear. My lymph nodes were clear. Both of my surgeons said I wasn’t going to need chemo. But there is always that demon of doubt. I have worked very hard in my life to control that demon. I use confidence, my strong will, and the fuck it bucket. When that demon rises, I confidently and strongly throw him into the fuck it bucket and move on. There are times, like everyone, when the demon gets a little more air time than usual. When I was sitting in the waiting room to go see the doctor was one of those times. I started down the path of the ‘what if’s. What if I needed chemo? What if it makes me feel awful? What if radiation burns me like I saw happened to that poor lady in my breast cancer support group? What if Tamoxifen is horrible? What if I can’t SLEEP? All the things. As I sat there waiting to be taken into the room, I started to cry. I’m not typically a crier. I have my moments, but that is not my go-to. I am not the first or the last person to cry in that waiting room. But I didn’t want to mess up my eye makeup, geeze. I wasn’t thinking about crying that morning when I got ready for work and had all the mascara on. So I pulled myself together before the nurse came to get me. Had I not pulled myself together, I’m sure I wouldn’t be the first person the nurse had crying while taking their blood pressure. I just didn’t want to be one of them. So I waited for what seemed to be forever for the doctor to come on the iPad screen. She had an accent, and I was instantly afraid I wasn’t going to be able to understand her. It only took me one minute to settle into her accent, and everything went fine. No CHEMO!!!!! Because of the early stage, the margins and lymph nodes, chemo would not benefit me. I will need radiation and to take an estrogen blocker, Tamoxifen. Those will be later posts, for sure!

And the point of this post is that we have to know ourselves. If you want to have a good cry because that’s how you handle it, I’ll get you the tissues, girl. We must be aware of ourselves and know ourselves to understand what is ok and not for us. It’s essential to be self-aware for many different reasons. In those hard times is when it’s most important. It’s necessary when you have to be besties with your body to ensure everything is good the way it should be. When medicines and treatments start doing things to your body, you want to ensure it’s normal and ok. If you are not in tune how would you know if you need something else or something different? I am truly blessed to have the prognosis that I have. There are other pink sisters out there that have it way harder. I think of them often. I am truly blessed that in about 8 weeks or so, I’ll have moved from a warrior to a survivor. I still have radiation and starting to take a drug that could be hard to handle. I will be in tune with my body, my mind and my wellbeing to be able to communicate with my care team how both treatments are going. They want to make sure those treatments are right for me. I continue down this pink path and I’m so glad you have come along with me 🙂